skirt basket

I carried the yard in you —pebble stick bone moss cone feather string and stone— and what I could carry in you was nothing less than the world to me

up and up and up the mountain bend and bend and are-we-there-yet-bend in road till finally yes the water of you out and out and out forever lake of joy I can’t wait to be in you

dark the woods the earth the sky the field of you my mud-drenched world outside I watch you nose pressed to glass drops dripping down and down and down

oh heart of mine I’ve turned my back on bits and bits and bits of you

oh heart of me can there be room for all of you in the world of me?

before the thought of happy there was happy

before periods and commas and hard returns there were only things and things and things not good not bad just thisses and thats in baskets made of skirts

and then flesh became word and thought among us

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Variations on a theme: Away

Quite possibly we came together, he and I, not just for Leonard Cohen, not just for assumption-shattering sex, not just for conversations, hands on the back, and whispers in the dark, all of which have made me magnificently bigger. Quite possibly we also came together so that he could bring me face to face with an old, still smarting, thing.

I wrote Away several years ago, but it came to mind so strongly yesterday that I went and dug it up again. I didn’t originally write it about him. What makes it powerful now is that, in many ways, I could have. Which tells me that, whoever else it might be about, it is fully about me. Of course.

Knowledge is cheap, understanding is rare. Things in us that keep repeating, those variations on life-themes, must be wanting for something. They won’t give up! Clearly there is something about this theme of Away which I have not yet met with understanding.

I could see this thing, my Away Thing, as a tiresome bore to be gotten rid of. Or as something like what other composers did when they wrote variations on Paganini’s theme: gorgeous, and somehow, someway, always new.

Oh, my Love, by which I mean I, by which I mean he, by which I mean any lover with whom I’ve been or am yet to be, I draw a blanket around this thing and pray for understanding.

Um, Elisabeth? But you don’t believe in God–

Um, You? That don’t mean I can’t pray!

It’s been said that prayer is simply the sincerest cry of a heart. Here’s mine.

—————–

Away

To have and to hold
are, to be sure,
quite different from
to hope and to dream
which are, also to be sure,
away — maybe somewhere with you
but away nonetheless
which is where I sense you
on your own.

I would not bind you to me (if even I could)
nor force anything ahead nor outside its time, and yet:

this little pigeon longs for you and for home
in one and the very same breath.

(Some blessing. Some curse. Who can say?)

Who am I to take where you are away from you?
It’s not wrong, it’s just not here.

In the beginning was away,
and away was with God
and away was God —

I long for a place to come home to,
a mat to stomp my dream-worn feet upon:
“This. Is Where. I belong.”
A hook for my coat,
a body to roll over into,
a “Pinch me, I am here,” to say,
a wide-eyed, “It’s you, really you!” to be cried out loud,
to which you might reply,
all bleary-eyed, all flesh and bones,

“Yes, now sleep, my little homing pigeon.”

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From now on, only music you like

On Friday I saw Harold. He will be 80 in March. He’s a physicist and an emeritus professor and that’s not his real name or field. (Other than those 2 details, what follows is true). Harold had gotten my postcard about my new office and called to schedule a session. In his voice mail he spelled out his name as if I might have forgotten him since the last time I saw him in February. As if!

I seem to have a flair for hitting it off with clients who are old and smart and creative, and, for some reason, men in particular. Psychoanalysts have labels for these things and I think their word for a therapist’s feelings for a client is “countertransference.” My plain old English take on that? Although no one is supposed to admit to favorites —favorite children, favorite nieces, favorite clients— when I look at a day’s schedule and an old man’s name is on it, I am happy. There, I admitted it.

Harold was referred to me by Lou, my anatomy teacher in massage school and now-colleague, and, incidentally, another favorite person of mine in the world. (I am, in actuality, an equal opportunity favorite-er). When Lou made the referral we’d spoken, briefly, and I’d asked, “Anything I should know?” She said, “Not really.” And then, as if an afterthought, she added, “Don’t play new age music. Just classical.” I laughed. That wouldn’t be a problem.

Harold isn’t as talkative as some of my older clients but over the course of 4 or so sessions we’d had several interesting conversations and he had commented on my music almost instantly. I passed the good music test, apparently. At the end of this past Friday’s session he asked what had just been playing and I said, thinking he’d meant the last pieces, “That was Yo-Yo Ma playing Bach.”

“Was it all Yo-Yo?” he asked. He said Yo-Yo as if he knew him personally, and for all I know, he does. One never knows. Especially around here.

“No,” I replied, “various. I can show you the playlist if you want.” Then Harold reminded me that he can’t stand that new age music they play. I laughed and said I understood, that it drives me crazy too. To which he said, “You know, that’s what they play in loony bins.” I said, “Really? As if that’d help!” I didn’t ask him how he knew that. And I didn’t tell him it’d been so long, going on 20 years now, that I no longer remember the music they played. What I did tell him, though, is that I haven’t played new age music since last spring.

Harold nodded.

I’m not sure why but new age music makes me want to jump out of my skin and scream. This is, of course, not a good thing for anyone to feel, but certainly not a massage therapist who is supposed to be, if anything, helping her client feel calm and comfortable in their own skin. One day last spring I decided never to play music I don’t like again. It was high time and my decision came, quite easily, thanks to another smart, older gentleman client, whom I’ll call, Edward. I hadn’t seen him for a couple of months and, quickly, he asked me, “What’s new?”  “Oh not too much,” I replied, trying to keep the focus on him. But he wasn’t satisfied. “C’mon, what’s new?” And then, realizing that by answering openly I was indeed keeping the focus on him, I told him of my most recent crush, a Norwegian girl-band named Katzenjammer. “Want to hear them?” I added, on a whim. Of course he did.

During that session we listened to Katzenjammer and Leonard Cohen and I also played some tango, knowing how much Edward loves his tango classes. At some point I thanked him for the wonderful music, to which he said, “it’s yours!” We laughed and then I admitted to him that I just couldn’t stand that new age stuff and that if I heard the sound of another fake waterfall, I’d surely have to jump out the window or kill myself. To which he replied with the most obvious question of all time, “So, why do you play it?”

As Edward walked out the door that day he turned around, looked me in the eyes, and said, “From now on, only music you like.” And then, in case I hadn’t heard him the first time, he said it again, raising his hand and, as I recall —though this bit may be an embellishment of my memory for effect— shaking his finger emphatically: “Only music you like.”  That was the day I went home and made three playlists: (1) classical, the one Harold heard. (2) Tibetan singing bowls and Buddhist monks chanting. (3) Jazz, folk and world music. Not one of my playlists included fake waterfalls.

This Friday, before he’d even taken his coat off, Harold asked me if I’ve been writing. (Ever since I sent “Leonard Cohen, please don’t ever die,” to my mailing list last winter, he asks me about my writing). I replied, “Yes, I have, certainly more than the last time I saw you.” He smiled, then told me that as he gets older, and especially lately, more prose-y bits are making their way into his physics papers. (Yes, he said “prose-y.”) He went on: “I think I’m trying to say goodbye.”

Ah. That’s when I bowed: I nodded my head slowly and replied with the only thing that rose up in my heart, silence. Later, about half way through the session, seemingly out of the blue but not really since I’d been thinking of his words pretty much the whole time my hands moved over his body, I asked him: “Would someone who does not understand physics at your level understand the prose-y bits in your papers?” “I think so,” he replied.

He’s coming back in 2 weeks. I hope he brings me prose-y bits.

~ * ~

P.S. Here’s Katzenjammer in a live version of a favorite song which includes a favorite line: “She’s a lonely young girl, she’s the sister of the moon / her heart is like November though she wants it to be June / Larger than life she’s standing there so tall / There’s a note with her name and it’s hanging on the wall… : Play, my darling, play! (The video quality isn’t the greatest, but I hope you’ll enjoy it anyway. Notice how those girls never rely on anything fake, and certainly not fake waterfalls.)

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Stallion

Sometimes gazing out into the universe —at a night sky, say— takes me in and in and in, just as looking in on the world of dreams and thoughts, takes me infinitely out.

Oh Longing, my life feels too tight for the bigness that is you, my outlets inadequate for what wants expression, and sometimes it feels like you will break me.

I wake in the night, my leg still convulsing, the pillow beside me warm, your taste —so bitter, so sweet at once— still on my lips. The air is still thick with you. I reach for you but only barely touch your fringes as you slip out the door.

Always you leave. And I am left with a vast… um… (words, don’t fail me now!) lonesomeness?

I don’t know. I’ve always called what you leave me with lonesome, but really, I don’t know.

Could you be the stallion trapped in my chest?

Sometimes you get out. It’s as if you’ve broken the confines of my chest, galloped up ahead, then stopped to call back to me:  “Come, come, come! That place right there? That place so tight and small and careful where you are? That’s no place for you, for me, for us. Come, my darling, come!”

There you are bucking wildly as if to say, “Here, here, here!” You seem so far away but never so far that the ground can’t carry back to me the sound of your stomping hooves. Because it does. And I feel you, pounding in my chest.

Oh Longing, you are the longest word, so forever forward and back, in and out, ancient and infinite at once.

I want so much. It’s like the barefoot lady with wild hair said the other day: “Darlin’, you’re driving a mac truck down a bike path there!” And even though she was talking specifically of a certain lover, the metaphor fits for you, too. (And anyway, wasn’t he just you made flesh?)

Oh Longing. You are an odd, faraway country to me, and yet I am from you. When I hear your language it is familiar in the way of a mother tongue I once sang, laughed and spoke in with ease. I move my mouth to make a sound in you. The sound that comes makes no sense, but you throw back your head wildly and gallop ahead again.

You slay me. Even while I beg for more.

~

The big Maple in front of the church has lost every leaf but three which hang there as if to remind us that in another season, it was, and it will be again, thickly clothed.

November is so suddenly dark, so cold then warm but always, somehow, getting colder. The trees are going in and in and in, even while their branches reach so bravely, still, out.

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Coming off sugar. On election day 2012.

Sandy took the last leaves from the big Maple in front of the church, the sky is blue, very blue, and I’d like to go to Penzey’s Spice Shop to find something tasty and beautiful that is not sugar. Also, this post is filled with random and disparate things. Be warned.

It’s pear season. I can count on one hand the things I like about colder weather and impending winter. Pears are one of them. This morning I made myself some misbehaved oatmeal: I browned and sauteed a pear in a bit of coconut oil. I added a pinch of cardamom (just-crushed in my mortar and pestle), and a sprinkle of cinnamon. Right before taking them off the heat, I added a squirch of balsamic vinegar, which gives the sweet pears just a touch of sour. (The balsamic quickly cooks away leaving the pears a bit gooey in a caramel-y way. Hello, yes. I’m a foodie). I spooned the pears over my oatmeal, topped it all off with some toasted walnuts and declared the lot of it good and misbehaved.

There is no flow today. It’s all stop ‘n’ go.

I keep checking on things. Like that email that just ping-ed. I shouldn’t have. It was LinkedIn telling me I should follow Deepak Chopra. The fuck. Pissed me off. Stop telling me what to do, whom to like, whom to follow. Even if I like the person I am told about, I don’t want to hear it in that way. I am tired to death of promotion. I am tired to death of causes. It’s all noise. And I am saturated. Saturated.

Can I make it to the polls without being accosted? Do this. Don’t do that. Here, look here. Don’t look there. I am tired of the lot of you. Tired to death. Shut up. Just shut the fuck up. I am so hungry for straight up truth. The political, man-made world is so noisy these days, and I don’t even have a TV. Nature has a lot of sound. So much. And sometimes it’s very loud, too. But it’s different. I am tired of the noise that comes hand in hand with our need for political maps. Physical maps show so very much, including extremes, but they are not noisy: they show the ups and downs of mountains and valleys, the wide range of temperatures and climates, the depths of oceans, but there are no borders and, by extension, no border crossings. Political maps are all about the borders. And difference. And defense, and the need for guards.

Some people wear their security guards in their necks. Once upon a time I worked on a man who had about 10 guards in his neck and he couldn’t remember when he’d last been able to turn his head with ease. I work on necks like that, oh, at least once every couple of weeks. Sometimes more.

It’s getting cold.

I am a restless bunny. Today, I can’t seem to channel my restlessness into good. I am all over the place. I’ve closed some places of distraction, but still. So much restlessness.

I am tired. I want to be taken in. I want arms around. I want a time out. I want to be pinned down. I want to have no choice. No choices. None.

There is something burning in the house of me and I can’t find the burner to shut it off. I wish it’d just burn the house down already. Black Hockey Jesus’ entry yesterday really moved me. (Also, he knows about coming off of things). I’d like a fire to burn down my cravings, my desires, my attempts at love. My feeble, misguided attempts at love. But please, can I keep my coats?

I have two jackets. Given me by two of my attempts at love. I wear them, alternately, to keep warm these days. I have a mind to wear them both at once today. It’s so cold. I’d like them both to keep me warm. I want care. I am a restless, jumping bean and I want care.

That picture of my brother and me with the raisins. We were so little. That picture says it all. Of the 4 of us, I always finished my Easter candy first. No contest. I bet my sister still has her Easter candy from when she was 6. Mine was gone within hours. If that.

Oh, Life. Please find me. I feel lost.

What else. I feel jealous. Jealous of all things beautiful.

What else. I feel frightened. Of losing things. And people.

What else. I am horny. So horny I could fuck a tree. (And no, not just any tree will do).

What else. I ate too much too quickly. And I drank too much tea.

What else. Can I be with all of this with “unbearable compassion”? Ram Dass says it like that. Isn’t that beautiful? (And that, right there, is one beautiful thing that does not make me jealous today.)

I’d like to write about kindness. About how the sun shines on everyone, no matter what they ate or didn’t eat yesterday. Or this morning.

I’d like to write about kindness. About how Saffron, my housemate, grinned at me this morning. Something I said made her grin. There must still be some funny after all.

I’d like to write about kindness. About how I have a memory of it, even though in this moment I feel more jaded and cynical than Howard Stern. Except that I don’t think Howard Stern cries about it. But who knows.

I’d like to write about kindness. About how the driveway construction guy, over the unbearably loud noise of the smooshing-down-roller machine, smiled, made the universal sign for sleepyhead, and mouthed: ‘did you just wake up?’ It was noon. They’d been at the driveway for a long, long time. And I’d been awake just as long.

I’d like to write about kindness. About how I seem to’ve misplaced mine. Have you seen it? If you do, please don’t chase it. At this point, it’s probably frightened and might run away. Also, please don’t offer it pity. It’s allergic. But do please let me know and I’ll come straightaway and pick it up. Thank you!

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Writing out loud

You latch the door. It’s your first time in the office of your new house on the floor. Leonard Cohen’s Jukebox Playlist is playing: Joni Mitchell could drink a case of you, Fats Domino found his thrill on Blueberry Hill, and the sexiest hands are riding up and down the keyboard of you to Chopin’s Etude Opus 10 Number 1. You’re not supposed to write this out loud. But you are.

There’s a world inside. Sometimes it wakes you up in the night pounding on your chest from the inside: Let! Me! Out!

Who are you? you ask.

I am writing out loud, it replies.

~

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